Tag Archives: peace

Sleep baby, sleep

11 Jun

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Sleep baby, sleep.
Stop thinking about it.

Easier said than done, sweetheart.
My mind refuses to stop working.

What are you thinking about?
Who are you thinking about?
Where is your mind heading?

I don’t know.
I’m trying to find my peace.

I’m tired, I want to sleep.
But I can’t.

Why can’t you sleep?
Where did your peace go?

I don’t know.
I’m trying to figure it out too.
I don’t know where I last left it.

You need to rest, sweetheart.
Leave your worries at the door,
Close your eyes.

I’m trying, I’m trying.

Think of your blanket of stars,
Shinning in the darkest sky.

Of the cool salty sea breeze,
Rustling your hair.

Of the fresh sun drenched grass, Beneath your hands.

And of the soft warm sand,
between your toes.

Close your eyes and think of those.

Find that peace, and go to sleep.

I’m trying sweetheart, I’m really trying.

Quiet nights and quiet stars

11 Mar

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She stares at the woman looking back at her in the mirror, and she realized she didn’t recognize that face anymore.

It’s grown wider, fine to be perfectly honest, fatter.

Lines were starting to show around her eyes.

And her eyes.

They used to look so bright and full of life but now, they reminded her of the fish she bought from the market yesterday.

Glassy, dull and lifeless.

It was only through the mirror that she was reminded of how much time has slipped by so quietly.
What terrible things time does to one.

She closed her eyes, and took in a deep breathe to shake off the memories that were starting to come back.

Time has taken away her youth, her litheness and her beauty but it hasn’t taken away her memories.

Memories.
Just as terrible as time.

She remembered a time when she was still young.
And he was still around.

How he would hold her hand as they strolled down the streets.
How he used to make her laugh so loud, the neighbours had to tell her to keep it down.

She remembered how they would climb up to the roof to watch stars on quiet nights.
Sitting next to each other, hand in hand.
Both saying nothing.
And they kissed.

It wasn’t anything spectacular, wasn’t even passionate.
It was an innocent, slightly awkward kiss that started it all.

That was more than sixty years ago

A smile came across her face as she gently touched her once supple lips.
It felt just like yesterday.

A certain sadness swept over her.

Wait for me, I’m coming…

She looked herself in the mirror one last time before leaving the washroom.

I’m coming.

She went into their bedroom and picked out his favourite yellow dress.
He called her his sunshine and loved her in yellow.
She lowered herself slowly on their bed to put on her shoes.
Tears started to fall as she remembered how he used to help her put on her shoes.

I’m coming.

She lifted her head and wiped away the tears.
She looked into the mirror on her way out rearranging her slivery hair, and took her coat with her.
The medication that she took was starting to kick in, so she took each step with extreme care as she went down the stairs into the waiting car downstairs.

Wait for me, I’m coming.

She sat quietly in the back of the car as children discussed the details.
Whenever they asked for her opinion, she gave a smile and said nothing.
The car quickly fell into an awkward silence.

She wound down the window to feel the cool night breeze.
The night was quiet and the stars bright.

Just like that night

She smiled again at the memories that came back and thanked the stars for letting her keep them.

They reached the hospital and walked her to his room and left them alone.

They looked at each other and smiled.

You look beautiful.
He said as she sat next to him on the bed.
You look just as dashing young man
Come lie next to me, I missed you so much.

She laid next to him, with his arms around her body.
Just like the way it used to be.
A certain smile came upon her face as she laid there.

I’m coming with you, don’t go too soon.

She knew it was it terribly selfish to leave their children like that but she couldn’t bear to live another day without him by her side.

She lifted her head and kissed him on his cheek.
His eyes were closed and he looked so peaceful.

Wait for me.

She held him closer and closed her eyes.
She could feel the medications’ full effects flowing through her body.

I’m coming.

Last 10 things I would like for you and I to know more about you

3 Oct

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1. If you could describe your life currently, how would you describe it?

A: ha! How can you efficiently and accurately described something that is still happening? Your description of current events would perhaps be skewed based on current biases, wouldn’t that then make the description no longer accurate? If you report it factually, then it would be no better than reading a really boring instructional manual isnt it?

If I really had to describe my life now, I’d say it’s comfortably suffocating. I’m still looking for outlets to release myself from this self induced slavery.

But if I had to describe how life is in the past and future, I’d say the past has been an amazing learning experience and the future can only get better because I will not allow otherwise.
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2. What’s your favourite food?

A: Food glorious food!! Sigh.. How does one point to a favourite food when her favourite channel on cable is the Food Network??

That channel is basically food porn..

But as questionnaires goes, there has to be an answer to each question, without which the questionnaire is useless ain’t it?

The most unforgettable food I’ve ever had has to be my great grandma’s minced black olive paste. Everything hand made from scratch!

We used to very poor so that was all we could afford to eat with porridge..ha
I’ve tried looking for that same taste everywhere but it’s just not the same.

The other food that I really cannot forget is my late grandma’s fried pomfret in black fish sauce..

Simple dish but the goodness is brilliant. Words cannot describe that joy whenever we see that dish on the table…ha!

Maybe it tasted that good because of the memories attached to it, that’s why I could never find the right taste to replace it.
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3. Black and white or colour pictures?

A: Black and white!

Now dont get me wrong, I like colours very much too but my preference skews towards black and white.

To me, pictures taken in black and white are a throw back to simpler times, and because of it’s simplicity, it allows me to better focus on the subjects in the photos. Not too many colours in the back or foreground to distract you.
Plus, black and white pictures kind of allows me to paint the image in my head any colour I want.
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Theres no right or wrong because to begin with, the picture is a blank slate in terms of colours…!

Okie, fine, maybe it’s not completely a blank slate but there are more possibilities!

4. If you had the power to change this world what would you change?

A: Oh man… Tough one eh..
There are so many things wrong, I dont know where to start..

I think I’d start with re-educating people about what respect is.

Think of all the things we could achieve and prevent if we just had a little more respect for each other.
Respect for nature and between each and every one of us.

There’ll be more equality between every gender, every race, every sex, every religion and every belief.
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We’ll have less wars, less conflicts and more advancements.

To me, respect is the root to love and eventually peace.

Without respect, no matter what we might achieve, its really just empty glory.

5. If you could be a super hero, who would you be?

A: I will the female Batman or Ironman! Hahahha..! Both characters are conflicted, intelligent, problematic rich men. Whats there not to love??

Most importantly, they were not born superheroes (fine, neither is Spiderman), they were self made superheroes, forced by circumstances to become who they are.

They could have gone rogue but they didn’t so..yeah! They are my superheroes..ha
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6. If I gave you 3 wishes, what would you wish for?

A: I’ll wish for another 3 wishes!! Hahahhahahaha!
But then again, I don’t know what to do with 3 already, what am I gonna do with another 3??

Blah…

I’ll wish for more courage and wisdom I guess.. Oh and for people in general to have more love in their lives.

Ha, yeah, if I had a past life, I’d be a hippie, gypsy or one of Rumi or Buddha’s disciples..

FREE LOVE!!

Yeah.
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7. If there is afterlife, what or where will you be?

A: I’ll DEFINATELY be in hell for all the shit I’ve done (or not done) and put my family and friends through…ha

8. What irks you the most?

A: Rude, ignorant, shallow and self centered people. Enough said.

9. If there was something you wish you could be better in, what would it be?

A: I wish I was a better cook, better speaker and maybe just a little wiser.
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Better cook so that I could have learnt how to cook the awesome traditional foods both grandmothers do so well.
My maternal grandma is Teochew and paternal grandma’s Peranakan.

Unfortunately, my maternal grandma passed away 2 years ago and my paternal grandma stopped cooking when she had her heart attack.

Better speaker because I’m really not very good at speaking publicly. Sometimes I have so much to say, to tell but my inability to speak fluently and convincingly makes these ideas go to waste…!

10. Lastly, when you die, what would you want to be most remembered for?

A: I want to be fondly remembered as a joy to have and be around. I’m hoping that when I die, the ones who still remember me are happy to have known me in their lifetime.
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Letter to my 25 year old self

18 Sep

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Dear Self,

I know things haven’t been easy for you. I know that feeling of wanting to be irresponsible, even if it’s just for a day. I know that feeling all too well.
That feeling of wanting to drop everything, pack up your bags and disappear for the next 3months. The adrenaline of wanderlust fuelling your every day and the joy of meeting new people everywhere you go.

Yet sometimes, the thought of being irresponsible scares you.

You wonder what will happen if you did just leave. Who’ll pay your bills? Whats going to happen to your parents? If you simply threw your responsibilities aside, who will take over? Will that person hate you?

I know I probably would.

I know how you feel.
That sense of helplessness, of being stuck in a rut and constantly wishing things could be different.

I know that dreadful feeling you have as you drag yourself to work early in the morning.
Like a cattle herded to a certain death at the slaughterhouse. Each day as you squeeze yourself into that train cabin, you are certain a part of you died by asphyxiation.

You could see responsibility’s hands wound around your neck.
Tightly.

I know the times when you feel like you are all alone in this world, even though you are constantly surrounded by people. No one really understands you when you are hanging out with certain groups of people. You don’t really understand them either. It almost feels like you are all there out of loneliness, to fill that aching need for companionship in your soul.

Your skepticism gets the better of you sometimes. You struggle to trust people because you’ve been disappointed by a number of people in your short life. Childhood memories are hard to erase, you can suppress them, but memories really works like a bitch.

You will begin to wonder if you’ll ever meet the love of your life, someone you can walk down the streets hand in hand when you are old. Skepticism keeps you from picturing anything nice, rationality tells you the probability of that happening to pretty low, judging by the state of affairs you are currently in.

You will feel all that and more.
You’ll regret not travelling earlier, further, more adventurously.
You’ll regret not starting school earlier.
You’ll regret letting responsibilities rule your life.
You’ll probably regret having spent the last 20years of your life being someone else you are not to please everyone else.

You’ll regret all that and more.

BUT, no matter what happens, don’t lose hope or faith in the future. It may not seem like it, but things will eventually become better.

What else is there to life if you have nothing to be hoping for?

There will never be world peace in your lifetime, so dont stress out too much about it.
Let others fight their own battles, you have your own inner demons to deal with.

Hold on to your beliefs because you’ll need them in the future. Your beliefs make you the person you are.

I am hoping too that life would indeed ‘ve better by the time you re-read this letter. You’d be in a much better place, doing something you truly enjoy and believe in.

Don’t worry too much about it, eventually it’ll all pass.

In the meantime, have as much sex, drink as much booze, smoke anything you want (as long as you know your limits) and travel whenever you can. Take as many courses as you can humanly manage.

You can rest when you are dead.

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