Archive | May, 2013

3 Little Words

1 May

helene klimt
I think they are over-rated.
Definately over-rated.
I mean, I haven’t said it for a very long time because I couldn’t find anyone to say it to.

And yes, even though I think it’s over rated, that doesn’t mean I don’t think it means something.

It takes a lot of courage to say those 3 little words.

They are like the windows to my soul, those words.
Windows that have been closed because the wind hurt me with their cold harsh ways.
So you see, I’m really just following my nature instincts here to protect myself.
And if you are interested to know, it really does take a while to open up a window that has been jammed shut.

Ask any one who has had the privillege of trying to pry a stuck window open.
It takes time, and not to mention, effort.

So don’t rush me, give me so time.

I can’t, and don’t know how to say them easily.
Its like I have a nature aversion to them – I start stuttering, my tongue gets thick, my palms get sweaty and I feel sick in general.

You get the picture.

I can see how disappointed you are whenever you think “this is it! That’s when she’s gonna say it!”, and I don’t.

Yes, I can see that.. how your little glimmer of hope fades away as I try and change topics.
As time goes by, I see that glimmer less and less, I didn’t know what to think of it other than you giving me time to sort my thoughts out.

I have taken some time, and worked my kinks out, and I’m finally ready to say it.

I love you.

There.
I’ve said it – I love you, more than I expected to actually.

And I’ve started pacing the room, clutching my phone anxiously, waiting for your response.

Nothing came.

This. Was. Not. Suppose. To. Happen.

I half expected to ‘hear’ you smileacross the virtual sea at my acknowledgement of my own feelings, but nothing of that sort happened.

You were not supposed cajole these words out of me, and refuse to acknowledge them!

What am I suppose to do now??

Disappointment was starting to kick in, so did dread and anxiety.

The phone was now my arch enemy for the silence it perpetuates.

I laid down in bed, exhausted from all the pacing, anticipating and eventual disappointment.

A few hours later, the enemy finally gives in and rings with an incoming text –

🙂 I know, I love you too..

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How Gender Studies Saved My Life

1 May

Thought Catalog

I remember the first time I entered a Gender Studies classroom. It was two years after completing my undergraduate courses in literature at NYU. Undergrad had not been the best experience for me. A starry-eyed freshman new to NYC, I soon realized that to be taken seriously in class I was expected to live by theoretical texts penned by dead white men. A far cry from my alternative under-funded public high school in Minnesota, I struggled. It wasn’t only that the theories discussed in class were challenging, but I found more and more I did not agree with them. As an 18-year-old student I did not have the language to critically engage and be taken seriously by the professors who worshipped these schools of thought. But I went through the motions and continued school, because that’s what I was supposed to do — right?

Fast-forward three years and I completed…

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The Practical Buddhist Guide To Romance

1 May

I’ll be Bat Girl!

Thought Catalog

One evening, my girlfriend Daphne and I found ourselves confronted with red cardboard hearts and post-it love letters on the restaurant’s door after a dinner. We read all sorts of cliched phrases such as “I love you forever” and “I am always yours” written on the post-it notes and the experience forced us to look deeper into people’s strange take on love and romance. We realized how possessive people can get when it comes to ‘love’, and it is quite perplexing that our society continues to perpetuate such an unhealthy obsession.

As we walked out of the restaurant, we told each other how lucky we are to have a different point of view on love. We joked about writing a Buddhist Guide to Romance to enlighten other people and realized it’s probably not a bad idea after all. My girlfriend is a Catholic, but we just happen to naturally adapt…

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