Letter to my 25 year old self

18 Sep

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Dear Self,

I know things haven’t been easy for you. I know that feeling of wanting to be irresponsible, even if it’s just for a day. I know that feeling all too well.
That feeling of wanting to drop everything, pack up your bags and disappear for the next 3months. The adrenaline of wanderlust fuelling your every day and the joy of meeting new people everywhere you go.

Yet sometimes, the thought of being irresponsible scares you.

You wonder what will happen if you did just leave. Who’ll pay your bills? Whats going to happen to your parents? If you simply threw your responsibilities aside, who will take over? Will that person hate you?

I know I probably would.

I know how you feel.
That sense of helplessness, of being stuck in a rut and constantly wishing things could be different.

I know that dreadful feeling you have as you drag yourself to work early in the morning.
Like a cattle herded to a certain death at the slaughterhouse. Each day as you squeeze yourself into that train cabin, you are certain a part of you died by asphyxiation.

You could see responsibility’s hands wound around your neck.
Tightly.

I know the times when you feel like you are all alone in this world, even though you are constantly surrounded by people. No one really understands you when you are hanging out with certain groups of people. You don’t really understand them either. It almost feels like you are all there out of loneliness, to fill that aching need for companionship in your soul.

Your skepticism gets the better of you sometimes. You struggle to trust people because you’ve been disappointed by a number of people in your short life. Childhood memories are hard to erase, you can suppress them, but memories really works like a bitch.

You will begin to wonder if you’ll ever meet the love of your life, someone you can walk down the streets hand in hand when you are old. Skepticism keeps you from picturing anything nice, rationality tells you the probability of that happening to pretty low, judging by the state of affairs you are currently in.

You will feel all that and more.
You’ll regret not travelling earlier, further, more adventurously.
You’ll regret not starting school earlier.
You’ll regret letting responsibilities rule your life.
You’ll probably regret having spent the last 20years of your life being someone else you are not to please everyone else.

You’ll regret all that and more.

BUT, no matter what happens, don’t lose hope or faith in the future. It may not seem like it, but things will eventually become better.

What else is there to life if you have nothing to be hoping for?

There will never be world peace in your lifetime, so dont stress out too much about it.
Let others fight their own battles, you have your own inner demons to deal with.

Hold on to your beliefs because you’ll need them in the future. Your beliefs make you the person you are.

I am hoping too that life would indeed ‘ve better by the time you re-read this letter. You’d be in a much better place, doing something you truly enjoy and believe in.

Don’t worry too much about it, eventually it’ll all pass.

In the meantime, have as much sex, drink as much booze, smoke anything you want (as long as you know your limits) and travel whenever you can. Take as many courses as you can humanly manage.

You can rest when you are dead.

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5 Responses to “Letter to my 25 year old self”

  1. abrainwithfeet September 18, 2012 at 12:46 am #

    Oh man… This is heavy! I even if i dont know who you are, i could almost hear you through your words…

    • panalyah September 18, 2012 at 12:51 am #

      \Thanks for the compliment! Today’s one of those days I guess..ha 🙂

      • abrainwithfeet September 18, 2012 at 1:00 am #

        Why dont you just get up and go get it. Take a leave from work and just have fun!

      • panalyah September 18, 2012 at 8:07 am #

        I dont think my boss is gonna appreciate me taking 2mths off work to do a Jack Kerouac.. Ha but thanks for the encouragement though!

      • abrainwithfeet September 18, 2012 at 3:12 pm #

        Maybe just 4 days off? 🙂 we have to try! For ourselves. For our lives

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